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Duen [Monday July 21st, 2008 2:34am] [ mood | distant ] Robotic. That's pretty much how I feel these days. I see it in everything that I do. It's like I have no emotions anymore, like I have no specific feelings or opinions about anything. The only consistency is irritation. I'm angry... all the time. Always. I can't relax. I can't smile. It hurts. I don't know what's the matter with me. Being alone has become normalcy. I'm used to it, and I think that's what makes me feel sick. I see groups of friends hanging out at the mall, coming in to shop where I work and I can only feel angry toward them for having things I do not. Not materialistic things--everything but. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of feeling different in a way I never thought I could be. I used to thrive on being different, but not like this. Not so different that I feel inhuman. Not so much that I start to hate other humans. I feel like such an alien. I want a friend and at the same time I want everyone to back off. Some kids at work only try to be nice, like asking me what's wrong or telling me to smile but it only makes it worse, because then I know that other people can see me for what I am. Something robotic. Something that doesn't smile or laugh or have any feelings, something that doesn't know why people have favorite colors and has no feelings about what she wears anymore, no urge to portray who she is through writing, drawings or clothing. I just want to fade. I need to fix this, and I have no idea how. I'm becoming more and more like Duen. She's in my head. I used to think she was so cool, wanted to be more like her, and now I am. Now I don't want it anymore. I hate being a writer, and I hate having characters swallow you up like they tend to do. Then again, she did come out of my head, so she was probably there all along. "I can't see life when I look into a person's eyes. I can't imagine a pulsing heart in them, nor a thoughtful mind. I don't remember what it's like to feel, or to be touched and embraced. Has the soul gone from everyone, or only from me?" - Duen circles & triangles

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